Abercrombie Pays The Cast Of Jersey Shore To NOT Wear Their Clothes

(CBC)- A clothing company is offering money to Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and his fellow Jersey Shore cast members — so they'll stop wearing the brand on the show. Abercrombie & Fitch Co. says in a news release posted Tuesday that it's concerned that having Sorrentino seen in its clothing could cause "significant damage" to the company's image. Abercrombie says a connection to The Situation goes against the "aspirational nature" of its brand and may be "distressing" to customers. The Ohio-based retailer says it has offered a "substantial payment" to Sorrentino and producers of the MTV show so he'll wear something else. The company says it also is making the offer to others in the hard-partying cast.

Let me get this straight, Abercrombie & Fitch is paying a substantial amount of money to “The Situation” for him not to wear clothes that he doesn’t wear in the first place?  Sounds about right.  Since Abercrombie’s audience is directed to pubescent teenagers and single 30 year-old men who spend more time at the gym and tanning bed, this is a pretty good publicity stunt for the Abercrombie company.  You know, make it seem like all the shirts with the Ed Hardy logo that The Situation wears is actually Abercrombie & Fitch.  Brilliant. 

I love how Abercrombie is so concerned about its image and how The Situation could cause “significant damage” to it.  Lose the giant pictures of half naked guys in the entrance to your stores, ease up on the drowning smell of your fragrances (smells like a middle school gym locker room), and turn the NYC nightclub music down by about 40 notches – that’s a start to a better image.  

The Tuscaloosa County Jail Inmate Of The Week

Meet Larry Eugene Hearld. This beauty is in jail on two different charges: sodomy of the first degree and sexual abuse of a child less than 12 years old.  Damn Larry, can’t you sodomize girls/guys your own age?  Actually don’t answer that, I think we can figure out that brain buster ourselves.  I have a feeling that Larry might drop the soap on purpose a few times during his extensive stay in prison.  Payback’s a bitch Larry, even if you disgustingly enjoy it.

Just Heggs Being Heggs (A Total Dick)

So I got this douchey tweet from Heggs this morning saying that he was golfing at this really nice country club while I'm in class studying my brains out. This led me to start asking myself, "Is it a waste for bad golfers to play at really nice and expensive courses?" and my answer was: Yes, it is in fact a waste. No but Heggs is a decent golfer, what I was really referring to is when my mom (not even playing golf for a year) gets invited to play and tear up courses that I will never be able to play in my life. So basically if you suck at golf stay off the nice courses and leave them for the pro's... like me.

At Least I Have My Health...

(CNN)- Men are more likely than women to get and die of cancer, according to an analysis of 36 different types of tumors and blood cancers that affect both sexes. Leukemia and cancers of the colon and rectum, pancreas, and liver killed about one and a half to two times as many men as women in the U.S. over a 30-year period. In addition, lung cancer killed nearly two and a half times as many men during that time. The American Cancer Society estimates that men have about a 1 in 2 chance of developing cancer at some point in their lives, compared with women, who have a 1 in 3 chance.

What the hell? I don't even care that men are more prone to cancer than women. Ever since before the suffrage movement women have been catching breaks left and right. I'm basically immuned to it by now. The one thing that blows me away is that at our best as humans we have a 1-in-3 chance of getting some form of cancer. It's 2011 isn't it? I have a much cheaper version of that stupid movie 2012 with John Cusack: everyone gets cancer and dies. No Mayans, No IChing, none of that bullshit I've watched 100 times on the history channel. Straight up cancer everywhere. Maybe it's just me but to throw out probabilities like that so casually freaks me out.

House Parties V. City

So last night for me was kind of a dilemma. I went to this house party in Bedford that was supposed to be fun but turned out awful. The same thing happened last night that happens every time at a house party. Unfamiliar guys (townies) show up and make the party awkward as hell. Im talking guys with lax pinnys on, drinking a full bottle of Raspberry Svedka to themselves. The guys who show up in groups of 17 all wearing cut off Affliction t-shirts and earrings. Push comes to shove I make and Irish exit with my buddy and we go into Boston and spend at least $150. So here's my question, is it worth it to pay $150 on drinks in the city to not run into these morons, or do I just suck it up and make the most of my situation? 99 times out of 100 im paying my way out, take the hit on the bank account and get on with my life.

PS- the house was actually really nice and i guarantee one of those jamokes stole something

How Ugly Is The Pringles Guy?

You kinda have to feel bad for this guy right?  He didn’t choose to be this pale and ugly with more hair on his upper lip than on is head.  Seriously, the next time you go to the supermarket look who Pringles Guy has to compete with on the shelf with all the other food mascots – you got the Sun Maid raisins chick, the Land O Lakes Indian, the Green Giant (stud) and then you look at Mr. Pringle and you wanna cringe.  Frito Lay needs to host an Extreme Makeover: Pringles Edition and get this guy a new look.  Wake up and smell the coffee, Frito Lay, Pringles Guy is heinous. 

Fajitas Are The Most Obnoxious Dish You Can Oder At A Restaurant

Ordering fajitas anywhere is pretty much like telling the whole restaurant, “Hey look at me, I need so much attention that I’m going to have my food scream as it comes to my table.”  My mother, out of all people, ordered fajitas a few nights ago, and as they came out everyone at the restaurant stopped what they were doing to see what all the commotion was.  They soon realized that it was only an iron skillet with a few chicken slices and veggies and promptly went back to eating and conversing.  But for that brief moment, when all eyes were on her, my mother felt like she was the big cheese at the Island Outpost. 

Also, what really pissed me off is that she was trying to give all her fajitas away to everyone.  Listen mah, if you’re gonna order fajitas you gotta be extremely selfish with them.  You have to keep up the image of the badass with all the attention.

Weird Word Of The Day: Loaf

Have you ever been in a restaurant where they give you a fresh loaf of bread at the table and it’s gone within two minutes?  Yeah, I have too.  There is nothing better than that smell of the fresh warm bread that melts in your mouth after the first bite.  Having said that, who thought it would be a good idea to make a loaf, but instead of fresh dough they would use ground beef and ketchup.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of my mom’s meatloaf but it’s such a ridiculous idea to shape meat into bread and bake it in the oven for an hour and a half.  Call it a meat cube or something; just leave loaf out of it. 

Hey, Get A Load Of This

So I’m on the golf course yesterday, minding my own beeswax, and I see this shit on the golf cart.  Hey EZ-GO golf cart company, that’s my fucking face profile that you are using on your little warning label. I am the only one in America with that nose and if I don’t get some compensation for this soon I’m taking you to court.  But in all seriousness, that’s me right?  For the longest time I thought I looked like the guy on the American express card, but golf-cart-warning-label-guy takes the cake.  This is bogus, I want at least 2 mil from this - or free golf carts for all the readers.  

Bruins Sweep. Suck It Philly!

It’s almost a full year to the day when the Bruins lost game seven to the Flyers that will go down in history as the biggest choke in NHL history.  I have always hated the Flyers and their fans but after that debacle it was painful to look at the colors orange, black and white.  The “suck it Philly” chant seemed to curse the Bruins last year so I waited until the series was over to play the video clip.  I want today to be a day of “suck it Philly” so I’m sharing the clip with everyone.  SUCK IT PHILLY – clap   clap   clapclapclap!

I’m Back, Baby! For about 45 Minutes…

So as all 10 of you readers know, I haven’t had access to Internet for a few weeks and thus unable to write the blogs you know and love.  You are probably asking, “But Murph, how are you writing this blog?” Excellent question people; I am currently in Starbucks mooching off their free internet while my dad is going for a run through downtown Naples in 90 degree weather.  So that gives me about 45 minutes to pump out as many blogs as I can.  Let the games begin!

Save it for the Tuesday Book Club, Pam

Really Pam? Really? I can't stand when people are like this. It's just the opposite of what I want to read (I only read the first paragraph). Videos of guys on ATV's with American flags waving on the back shooting aimlessly with guns in the air in their field that serves no purpose is exactly what I want to see. That's the aftermath of Osama's death we know and love. Pam is just like the group of jabronis who are the jurors in a murder case and sentence a serial killer to a hospital because of "insanity". Of course he is insane, he likes to kill people. So put him in jail with the people who like to steal TV's, sell cocaine, or whatever. There is no need for this article Pamela.

PS- Why didn't I expect this with those three featured articles they have running above Pam's name. They're just the warning signs that should've sent me back to Facebook.

Al-Qaeda Succession Planning

Listen I am just excited as the next guy that Osama was found and killed, but I'm a realist. There are probably ten guys named Muhammad that are more than qualified to fill the position. I bet Osama's been out of the game for years now anyways; he's probably hanging out in his apartment, (which is worse than mine after a 50 people bender by the way), searching for the next best game on addictinggames.com. So in retrospect if we "cut the head off the snake" than there are three more heads growing right back in it's place. Just like the greek mythical creature Hydra but worse. How frustrating is that.

But on this great day I am an American and celebrate with the rest of you. God Bless America.

PS- Is it Osama or Usama. According to FOX its Obama but serious question O or U. It's driving me crazy.

CEO in Trouble

Most of you have probably heard there is a big ass tornado just being a dick and destroying all of the... whatever they have down there in Alabama. Murph is calling me crying and stuff and expects me to feel bad for him. A) i bet school is canceled and I just bombed a presentation so I have no sympathy, B) I have always wanted to be part of some survival scenario like stranded on a tropical island or in a friends basement during tornadoes, you can't pay for experience like that, and C) it's no tsunami. People over in Japan and the Philippines probably aren't even looking up from their Mahjong to hear the news. And to boot he has stopped posting. No power? It's called 3G bro.

PS- In all seriousness I hope he's okay because i called him and he didn't answer. Left him a message making light of the situation, which could go either way. Hopefully the tornado didn't strip him of his sense of humor and if it did I'm going to start posting friendship ads on Craig's List

Ference is Now a Bad Ass I Guess

So apparently Andrew Ference is the bad ass of the Boston Bruins now. Just giving the frenchies the finger and sending Alberts up to the Concessions to get a $13 basket of chicken fingers. Remember this is the guy who wears a Bauer 8000 helmet, (dustiest style in the league), because he is prone to concussions. But hey who am I to tell him its not his place. He's doing it all and more this series. Go B's Go!

Magic Shower

So I was having a few casuals with my roommates in light of my buddy Theo's birthday in our apartment last night. We just got done watching the B's and Habs game (I won't even), when people started to show up for a party that apparently we were involuntarily having. So like every guy does on a night he wants to go out i changed out of the mesh shorts and took a shower to get ready for the night. I got out of the shower and dressed and just like that all of the hot girls were not only in our apartment, but dancing on our coffee tables to "Hips Don't Lie" and what-not. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. It was like all the girls on campus that I had thought were hot but never found the energy or the wheels to talk to all of a sudden were filing in and giving me hugs and shit. I took an other shower just to see what would happen. Not really but I was so amazed that I took it for granted and before I knew it they were out the door. I guess its better to lose something than to never experience it at all.

Already Time To Pull Heggs?

Not even 12 hours on the team and he’s already taking personal days and jinxing the Bruins.  I know he’s a rookie but I bet Donald Trump didn’t take a personal week off after his first day on the job – it’s just business ethics 101.  Heggs is just lucky that I don’t give out strikes like Michael Scott does…

Well, The Habs Just Lost

The only thing that the Habs had going for them was that when someone sings 'Oh Canada' the crowd went crazy and they carried the momentum throughout the whole game. Instead they had the Provincial Band of Alberta come and play. Critical mistake by the Bell Centre

PS- This is the best they have? Canada you're girlfriend. WOOF!

Update: McQuaid obviously read my post and out of spite dragged his slow ass to the bench on purpose. Thanks bro

LVP: Least Valuable Player

With the end of the semester, comes group projects. I'll be honest, I usually like to pull my weight in these things because I like to gain the respect from my fellow colleagues, but in this one project I can't get myself up to speed. I mean it has gotten to the point where I'm getting vicious emails with stuff like "????" as the subject. Just killing my self esteem. If I hadn't befriended one of my group mates throughout the class I would have hands-down gotten kicked out of the group by now (which actually can happen at UMaine it's been done before).

I have become the very thing that I can't stand, the LVP of the group. The guy who ignores his emails and hopes the smart girl will do his part for him. It makes me sick just thinking about it. And I refuse to become that disgusting symbol for procrastination. So this will be my last post for a while. Take the reins Murph

Taylor Swift Busts Her Ass And Makes A Fool Of Herself On Stage

HA! Bitch.

Breaking News: Lady Gaga "Feels Like A Loser"

So apparently in his/her HBO documentary he/she starts crying and says that he/she has moments where he/she feels “like a loser.”  Umm, really Gaga?  You’re actually somewhat shocked that people think you’re weird and have no friends?  Didn’t you learn anything from high school?  The kids who dressed up like peacocks and came to school in giant eggshells were the ones getting atomic wedgies or even the wedgie-swirly combo.  Take a nice hard look at yourself in the mirror and then ask yourself why you feel like a loser - that might help clear things up a bit. 

My Pee Smells Like Golden Crisp After I Drink Coffee

This happens to everyone right?  I’ll be minding my own business at the urinal and suddenly get blindsided by the aura of Golden Crisp.  It’s as if someone opened up a brand new box and put it under my nose.  I could literally sit you down blindfolded and place a bowl of Golden Crisp and a bowl of my pee (after drinking a coffee of course) and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.  I don’t see how I can ever enjoy a bowl of Golden Crisp again without the image of a soupy urine filled toilet.

Wait... Who Stabbed Who?

So when I first read this I didn't even blink. But when i re-read the title I was completely caught off guard when I realized that Brandon Marshall's wife stabbed HIM and not the other way around. There are millions of reasons why I could see him doing the stabbing but in no way is there any reasoning behind what actually happened. I just wanna be like listen sweetheart, you're a sub five in a 9.5+ category. How you ended up with him has the head of the Massachusetts State Lottery questioning his work. You're the wife of an NFL stud and you think you can go stabbing people on a whim, this is the real world lady. So he has a few girlfriends on the road? What did you think road games were for anyways.

Another Year, Another Ham for Easter

First of all, who decided that the right representative for Easter dinner would be ham? Its possibly my least favorite holiday food. Sure ham is great when you get it sliced thin on a sub with pickles, onions, and hots from Dagastino’s. But when it’s a half an inch thick and cooked dry to the bone it’s just not for me. And when I have nothing but a flimsy plastic knife and I've already said "Hi, how are you? How's everything? Yah? That's great to hear!" to 10 people I really don’t know the only way I can get myself through it is to soak it in honey mustard or even ranch if I’m desperate. All I'm saying is there's no way there can be a religious connection to ham so why do I have to suffer through it?

PS- why is it always hotter than Saudi Arabia in church on Easter Sunday? Is it to smoke out the kind-of-believers... because if it is then it almost worked this year

Meet The New Member Of The Joe Sent Me Team: Heggs

I wasn’t looking for a new blogger but then I read this kid’s résumé:

Education

University of Maine

            Bachelor of Arts in Business Management

Activities/interests

            Hockey, lifting heavy things, protein shakes, judging women.

Work Experience

            iSecurity at Boylston Street Apple store

           

Holy Shit! I would be an idiot not to offer Heggs an entry-level contract for the Joe Sent Me team.  Bright future ahead, people, bright future.  

Have You Ever Noticed That All Pizza Delivery Cars Are The Same?

Why are all pizza delivery cars so cliché?  I’ve never once been thrown a curveball with a normal American-made car.  No, it’s always been a Honda from the late 90’s tricked out to look like a car from the Fast And The Furious, but everyone knows they bought those spinning hubcaps from Wal-Mart and that huge spoiler is gonna break off once they reach 50 mph.  These are the same douchebags that you see racing up side streets and disrupting a quiet neighborhood with their annoying aftermarket mufflers.  So is it too much to ask for my pizza to be delivered by perhaps a Mercedes?  Because that would be quite refreshing.

Weird Word Of The Day: Fluid

When I think of the word “fluid” I imagine the oozing of a popped blister. There’s nothing like taking a needle and stabbing the bubble of puss on your foot that was created from playing pond hockey all day. It’s just pure satisfaction. On a side note, I bet there’s some creep out there who has a jar full of blister puss that he’s collected through the years. Hey, people have really weird fetishes.


By the way, searching for an image of blister fluid is a challenge I propose to you. I could only make it about 4 minutes.

Is It Appropriate To Bring Your Newborn Child To A Roast Beef Restaurant?

Last summer I was out shopping with my mom and I worked up quite an appetite trying on clothes at Marshall’s so we decide to get lunch at the local roast beef shop (Kelly’s).  I was getting ready to sink my teeth into the bloody mess I call a sandwich and in walks this couple with, what appears to be, an unborn fetus.  This newborn, still soaked in birth juice, had an uncanny resemblance with the roast beef sandwich on my plate.  As you can imagine this is the last thing anyone wants to see before eating sliced red meat covered in BBQ sauce.  So my question is, is it socially appropriate to bring your newborn to any eatery?

Answer: Obviously not

I Was Gonna Write A Blog But Then I Decided I Was Not Funny Today

I was in the middle of writing a blog and I literally just stopped and realized I don’t have one ounce of funny in me today.  I don’t know what it is, it may be something I ate, the amount of school work I’m putting off til the last minute, or maybe the fact that I’ve only been outside for a total of five minutes today (and I doubt that number will grow by sundown).  Whatever it is I hope it’s not permanent because I like to make people laugh and the only thing people will laugh at today is my lack of outside communication.  Maybe if I keep this up I will get my own late night show on TBS.  Hey, George Lopez did it.

Bets Are Now Open For Auburn's "Toomer's Tree Poisoning" Retaliation

I can't believe one redneck, who didn't even attend any of the schools, is about to start a civil war in Alabama between AU and UA.  So it seems like this tree is on life support right now and when Auburn eventually pulls the cord you will not see me anywhere near Denny Chimes, Walk of Champions, the quad and possibly Chick Fil-A.  These are absolute hot-spots for Auburn terrorists and I want to be far far away when they finally strike.  I was trying to think of what the masterminds of Auburn are brewing up for their diabolical plan but the only things I could think up would involve masses of manpower that Auburn is just not capable of generating.  So what do you think?  What should we expect to happen/where should I stay the hell away from?

Weird Word Of The Day: Towel

Towels are great.  They've always been great.  They dry you off when you don't want to be wet.  They also make awesome hats for women when they get out of the shower.  But with every good thing, there's a flaw.  New towels suuuuuck.  How many times do you have to wash and dry a new towel before it can actually dry your body?  The drying capability of a brand new towel is so scanty that you're better off using a roll of Bounty after every shower.  They don't call it the quicker-picker-upper for nothing.

Is Bethel Johnson The Biggest Joke To Stumble Upon Two Super Bowl Rings?

For everyone who has forgotten about the New England Patriot's second round draft pick (45th overall) in 2003, Bethel Johnson fell head first into two Super Bowl rings in his rookie and sophomore seasons.  Here's a timeline of his professional football career:


2003 - Drafted 45th overall by the New England Patriots.
2003 - Won Super Bowl XXXVVIII with the New England Patriots
2004 - Won Super Bowl XXXIX with the New England patriots
2006 - Traded to the New Orleans Saints
2006 - Cut from the Saints before the regular season began after injuring his knee in a preseason game
2006 - Signed by the Minnesota Vikings in October, released as a free agent at the end of the season
2007 - Signed a one year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Released in June after he failed a physical.
2007 - Signed with the Houston Texans in June.  Released in August and spent the season out of football.
2008 - Signed with the Toronto Argonauts in the CFL. Released in September due to lack of progress with only 16 catches and no touchdowns.
2008 to Present - Free Agent.


I've never witnessed someone's NFL career collapse so terribly after starting it off with two Super Bowl rings.  Too bad him and Chad Jackson never got to play together because I would have so much more material to blog about.

Forgot my username and password to the blog