Back From the Dead

So murph sent me a Joe Sent Me Blog reference today to spark my memory about an old hockey player and it got me thinking. Why haven't we continued to write? Every post is gold. Absolute gold. Not one weak link in the chain. I'll give the nay-sayers some credit, before the introduction of Heggs it was an A- blog but hey thats still good. So for all seven of you readers world-wide. We are back! We are back in a big way!

Abercrombie Pays The Cast Of Jersey Shore To NOT Wear Their Clothes

(CBC)- A clothing company is offering money to Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and his fellow Jersey Shore cast members — so they'll stop wearing the brand on the show. Abercrombie & Fitch Co. says in a news release posted Tuesday that it's concerned that having Sorrentino seen in its clothing could cause "significant damage" to the company's image. Abercrombie says a connection to The Situation goes against the "aspirational nature" of its brand and may be "distressing" to customers. The Ohio-based retailer says it has offered a "substantial payment" to Sorrentino and producers of the MTV show so he'll wear something else. The company says it also is making the offer to others in the hard-partying cast.

Let me get this straight, Abercrombie & Fitch is paying a substantial amount of money to “The Situation” for him not to wear clothes that he doesn’t wear in the first place?  Sounds about right.  Since Abercrombie’s audience is directed to pubescent teenagers and single 30 year-old men who spend more time at the gym and tanning bed, this is a pretty good publicity stunt for the Abercrombie company.  You know, make it seem like all the shirts with the Ed Hardy logo that The Situation wears is actually Abercrombie & Fitch.  Brilliant. 

I love how Abercrombie is so concerned about its image and how The Situation could cause “significant damage” to it.  Lose the giant pictures of half naked guys in the entrance to your stores, ease up on the drowning smell of your fragrances (smells like a middle school gym locker room), and turn the NYC nightclub music down by about 40 notches – that’s a start to a better image.  

The Tuscaloosa County Jail Inmate Of The Week

Meet Larry Eugene Hearld. This beauty is in jail on two different charges: sodomy of the first degree and sexual abuse of a child less than 12 years old.  Damn Larry, can’t you sodomize girls/guys your own age?  Actually don’t answer that, I think we can figure out that brain buster ourselves.  I have a feeling that Larry might drop the soap on purpose a few times during his extensive stay in prison.  Payback’s a bitch Larry, even if you disgustingly enjoy it.

Just Heggs Being Heggs (A Total Dick)

So I got this douchey tweet from Heggs this morning saying that he was golfing at this really nice country club while I'm in class studying my brains out. This led me to start asking myself, "Is it a waste for bad golfers to play at really nice and expensive courses?" and my answer was: Yes, it is in fact a waste. No but Heggs is a decent golfer, what I was really referring to is when my mom (not even playing golf for a year) gets invited to play and tear up courses that I will never be able to play in my life. So basically if you suck at golf stay off the nice courses and leave them for the pro's... like me.

At Least I Have My Health...

(CNN)- Men are more likely than women to get and die of cancer, according to an analysis of 36 different types of tumors and blood cancers that affect both sexes. Leukemia and cancers of the colon and rectum, pancreas, and liver killed about one and a half to two times as many men as women in the U.S. over a 30-year period. In addition, lung cancer killed nearly two and a half times as many men during that time. The American Cancer Society estimates that men have about a 1 in 2 chance of developing cancer at some point in their lives, compared with women, who have a 1 in 3 chance.

What the hell? I don't even care that men are more prone to cancer than women. Ever since before the suffrage movement women have been catching breaks left and right. I'm basically immuned to it by now. The one thing that blows me away is that at our best as humans we have a 1-in-3 chance of getting some form of cancer. It's 2011 isn't it? I have a much cheaper version of that stupid movie 2012 with John Cusack: everyone gets cancer and dies. No Mayans, No IChing, none of that bullshit I've watched 100 times on the history channel. Straight up cancer everywhere. Maybe it's just me but to throw out probabilities like that so casually freaks me out.

House Parties V. City

So last night for me was kind of a dilemma. I went to this house party in Bedford that was supposed to be fun but turned out awful. The same thing happened last night that happens every time at a house party. Unfamiliar guys (townies) show up and make the party awkward as hell. Im talking guys with lax pinnys on, drinking a full bottle of Raspberry Svedka to themselves. The guys who show up in groups of 17 all wearing cut off Affliction t-shirts and earrings. Push comes to shove I make and Irish exit with my buddy and we go into Boston and spend at least $150. So here's my question, is it worth it to pay $150 on drinks in the city to not run into these morons, or do I just suck it up and make the most of my situation? 99 times out of 100 im paying my way out, take the hit on the bank account and get on with my life.

PS- the house was actually really nice and i guarantee one of those jamokes stole something

How Ugly Is The Pringles Guy?

You kinda have to feel bad for this guy right?  He didn’t choose to be this pale and ugly with more hair on his upper lip than on is head.  Seriously, the next time you go to the supermarket look who Pringles Guy has to compete with on the shelf with all the other food mascots – you got the Sun Maid raisins chick, the Land O Lakes Indian, the Green Giant (stud) and then you look at Mr. Pringle and you wanna cringe.  Frito Lay needs to host an Extreme Makeover: Pringles Edition and get this guy a new look.  Wake up and smell the coffee, Frito Lay, Pringles Guy is heinous. 

Fajitas Are The Most Obnoxious Dish You Can Oder At A Restaurant

Ordering fajitas anywhere is pretty much like telling the whole restaurant, “Hey look at me, I need so much attention that I’m going to have my food scream as it comes to my table.”  My mother, out of all people, ordered fajitas a few nights ago, and as they came out everyone at the restaurant stopped what they were doing to see what all the commotion was.  They soon realized that it was only an iron skillet with a few chicken slices and veggies and promptly went back to eating and conversing.  But for that brief moment, when all eyes were on her, my mother felt like she was the big cheese at the Island Outpost. 

Also, what really pissed me off is that she was trying to give all her fajitas away to everyone.  Listen mah, if you’re gonna order fajitas you gotta be extremely selfish with them.  You have to keep up the image of the badass with all the attention.

Weird Word Of The Day: Loaf

Have you ever been in a restaurant where they give you a fresh loaf of bread at the table and it’s gone within two minutes?  Yeah, I have too.  There is nothing better than that smell of the fresh warm bread that melts in your mouth after the first bite.  Having said that, who thought it would be a good idea to make a loaf, but instead of fresh dough they would use ground beef and ketchup.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of my mom’s meatloaf but it’s such a ridiculous idea to shape meat into bread and bake it in the oven for an hour and a half.  Call it a meat cube or something; just leave loaf out of it. 

Hey, Get A Load Of This

So I’m on the golf course yesterday, minding my own beeswax, and I see this shit on the golf cart.  Hey EZ-GO golf cart company, that’s my fucking face profile that you are using on your little warning label. I am the only one in America with that nose and if I don’t get some compensation for this soon I’m taking you to court.  But in all seriousness, that’s me right?  For the longest time I thought I looked like the guy on the American express card, but golf-cart-warning-label-guy takes the cake.  This is bogus, I want at least 2 mil from this - or free golf carts for all the readers.  

Bruins Sweep. Suck It Philly!

It’s almost a full year to the day when the Bruins lost game seven to the Flyers that will go down in history as the biggest choke in NHL history.  I have always hated the Flyers and their fans but after that debacle it was painful to look at the colors orange, black and white.  The “suck it Philly” chant seemed to curse the Bruins last year so I waited until the series was over to play the video clip.  I want today to be a day of “suck it Philly” so I’m sharing the clip with everyone.  SUCK IT PHILLY – clap   clap   clapclapclap!

I’m Back, Baby! For about 45 Minutes…

So as all 10 of you readers know, I haven’t had access to Internet for a few weeks and thus unable to write the blogs you know and love.  You are probably asking, “But Murph, how are you writing this blog?” Excellent question people; I am currently in Starbucks mooching off their free internet while my dad is going for a run through downtown Naples in 90 degree weather.  So that gives me about 45 minutes to pump out as many blogs as I can.  Let the games begin!

Save it for the Tuesday Book Club, Pam

Really Pam? Really? I can't stand when people are like this. It's just the opposite of what I want to read (I only read the first paragraph). Videos of guys on ATV's with American flags waving on the back shooting aimlessly with guns in the air in their field that serves no purpose is exactly what I want to see. That's the aftermath of Osama's death we know and love. Pam is just like the group of jabronis who are the jurors in a murder case and sentence a serial killer to a hospital because of "insanity". Of course he is insane, he likes to kill people. So put him in jail with the people who like to steal TV's, sell cocaine, or whatever. There is no need for this article Pamela.

PS- Why didn't I expect this with those three featured articles they have running above Pam's name. They're just the warning signs that should've sent me back to Facebook.

Al-Qaeda Succession Planning

Listen I am just excited as the next guy that Osama was found and killed, but I'm a realist. There are probably ten guys named Muhammad that are more than qualified to fill the position. I bet Osama's been out of the game for years now anyways; he's probably hanging out in his apartment, (which is worse than mine after a 50 people bender by the way), searching for the next best game on addictinggames.com. So in retrospect if we "cut the head off the snake" than there are three more heads growing right back in it's place. Just like the greek mythical creature Hydra but worse. How frustrating is that.

But on this great day I am an American and celebrate with the rest of you. God Bless America.

PS- Is it Osama or Usama. According to FOX its Obama but serious question O or U. It's driving me crazy.

CEO in Trouble

Most of you have probably heard there is a big ass tornado just being a dick and destroying all of the... whatever they have down there in Alabama. Murph is calling me crying and stuff and expects me to feel bad for him. A) i bet school is canceled and I just bombed a presentation so I have no sympathy, B) I have always wanted to be part of some survival scenario like stranded on a tropical island or in a friends basement during tornadoes, you can't pay for experience like that, and C) it's no tsunami. People over in Japan and the Philippines probably aren't even looking up from their Mahjong to hear the news. And to boot he has stopped posting. No power? It's called 3G bro.

PS- In all seriousness I hope he's okay because i called him and he didn't answer. Left him a message making light of the situation, which could go either way. Hopefully the tornado didn't strip him of his sense of humor and if it did I'm going to start posting friendship ads on Craig's List

Ference is Now a Bad Ass I Guess

So apparently Andrew Ference is the bad ass of the Boston Bruins now. Just giving the frenchies the finger and sending Alberts up to the Concessions to get a $13 basket of chicken fingers. Remember this is the guy who wears a Bauer 8000 helmet, (dustiest style in the league), because he is prone to concussions. But hey who am I to tell him its not his place. He's doing it all and more this series. Go B's Go!

Magic Shower

So I was having a few casuals with my roommates in light of my buddy Theo's birthday in our apartment last night. We just got done watching the B's and Habs game (I won't even), when people started to show up for a party that apparently we were involuntarily having. So like every guy does on a night he wants to go out i changed out of the mesh shorts and took a shower to get ready for the night. I got out of the shower and dressed and just like that all of the hot girls were not only in our apartment, but dancing on our coffee tables to "Hips Don't Lie" and what-not. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. It was like all the girls on campus that I had thought were hot but never found the energy or the wheels to talk to all of a sudden were filing in and giving me hugs and shit. I took an other shower just to see what would happen. Not really but I was so amazed that I took it for granted and before I knew it they were out the door. I guess its better to lose something than to never experience it at all.

Already Time To Pull Heggs?

Not even 12 hours on the team and he’s already taking personal days and jinxing the Bruins.  I know he’s a rookie but I bet Donald Trump didn’t take a personal week off after his first day on the job – it’s just business ethics 101.  Heggs is just lucky that I don’t give out strikes like Michael Scott does…

Well, The Habs Just Lost

The only thing that the Habs had going for them was that when someone sings 'Oh Canada' the crowd went crazy and they carried the momentum throughout the whole game. Instead they had the Provincial Band of Alberta come and play. Critical mistake by the Bell Centre

PS- This is the best they have? Canada you're girlfriend. WOOF!

Update: McQuaid obviously read my post and out of spite dragged his slow ass to the bench on purpose. Thanks bro

LVP: Least Valuable Player

With the end of the semester, comes group projects. I'll be honest, I usually like to pull my weight in these things because I like to gain the respect from my fellow colleagues, but in this one project I can't get myself up to speed. I mean it has gotten to the point where I'm getting vicious emails with stuff like "????" as the subject. Just killing my self esteem. If I hadn't befriended one of my group mates throughout the class I would have hands-down gotten kicked out of the group by now (which actually can happen at UMaine it's been done before).

I have become the very thing that I can't stand, the LVP of the group. The guy who ignores his emails and hopes the smart girl will do his part for him. It makes me sick just thinking about it. And I refuse to become that disgusting symbol for procrastination. So this will be my last post for a while. Take the reins Murph