Breaking News: Lady Gaga "Feels Like A Loser"

So apparently in his/her HBO documentary he/she starts crying and says that he/she has moments where he/she feels “like a loser.”  Umm, really Gaga?  You’re actually somewhat shocked that people think you’re weird and have no friends?  Didn’t you learn anything from high school?  The kids who dressed up like peacocks and came to school in giant eggshells were the ones getting atomic wedgies or even the wedgie-swirly combo.  Take a nice hard look at yourself in the mirror and then ask yourself why you feel like a loser - that might help clear things up a bit. 

My Pee Smells Like Golden Crisp After I Drink Coffee

This happens to everyone right?  I’ll be minding my own business at the urinal and suddenly get blindsided by the aura of Golden Crisp.  It’s as if someone opened up a brand new box and put it under my nose.  I could literally sit you down blindfolded and place a bowl of Golden Crisp and a bowl of my pee (after drinking a coffee of course) and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.  I don’t see how I can ever enjoy a bowl of Golden Crisp again without the image of a soupy urine filled toilet.

Wait... Who Stabbed Who?

So when I first read this I didn't even blink. But when i re-read the title I was completely caught off guard when I realized that Brandon Marshall's wife stabbed HIM and not the other way around. There are millions of reasons why I could see him doing the stabbing but in no way is there any reasoning behind what actually happened. I just wanna be like listen sweetheart, you're a sub five in a 9.5+ category. How you ended up with him has the head of the Massachusetts State Lottery questioning his work. You're the wife of an NFL stud and you think you can go stabbing people on a whim, this is the real world lady. So he has a few girlfriends on the road? What did you think road games were for anyways.

Another Year, Another Ham for Easter

First of all, who decided that the right representative for Easter dinner would be ham? Its possibly my least favorite holiday food. Sure ham is great when you get it sliced thin on a sub with pickles, onions, and hots from Dagastino’s. But when it’s a half an inch thick and cooked dry to the bone it’s just not for me. And when I have nothing but a flimsy plastic knife and I've already said "Hi, how are you? How's everything? Yah? That's great to hear!" to 10 people I really don’t know the only way I can get myself through it is to soak it in honey mustard or even ranch if I’m desperate. All I'm saying is there's no way there can be a religious connection to ham so why do I have to suffer through it?

PS- why is it always hotter than Saudi Arabia in church on Easter Sunday? Is it to smoke out the kind-of-believers... because if it is then it almost worked this year

Meet The New Member Of The Joe Sent Me Team: Heggs

I wasn’t looking for a new blogger but then I read this kid’s résumé:

Education

University of Maine

            Bachelor of Arts in Business Management

Activities/interests

            Hockey, lifting heavy things, protein shakes, judging women.

Work Experience

            iSecurity at Boylston Street Apple store

           

Holy Shit! I would be an idiot not to offer Heggs an entry-level contract for the Joe Sent Me team.  Bright future ahead, people, bright future.  

Have You Ever Noticed That All Pizza Delivery Cars Are The Same?

Why are all pizza delivery cars so cliché?  I’ve never once been thrown a curveball with a normal American-made car.  No, it’s always been a Honda from the late 90’s tricked out to look like a car from the Fast And The Furious, but everyone knows they bought those spinning hubcaps from Wal-Mart and that huge spoiler is gonna break off once they reach 50 mph.  These are the same douchebags that you see racing up side streets and disrupting a quiet neighborhood with their annoying aftermarket mufflers.  So is it too much to ask for my pizza to be delivered by perhaps a Mercedes?  Because that would be quite refreshing.

Weird Word Of The Day: Fluid

When I think of the word “fluid” I imagine the oozing of a popped blister. There’s nothing like taking a needle and stabbing the bubble of puss on your foot that was created from playing pond hockey all day. It’s just pure satisfaction. On a side note, I bet there’s some creep out there who has a jar full of blister puss that he’s collected through the years. Hey, people have really weird fetishes.


By the way, searching for an image of blister fluid is a challenge I propose to you. I could only make it about 4 minutes.

Is It Appropriate To Bring Your Newborn Child To A Roast Beef Restaurant?

Last summer I was out shopping with my mom and I worked up quite an appetite trying on clothes at Marshall’s so we decide to get lunch at the local roast beef shop (Kelly’s).  I was getting ready to sink my teeth into the bloody mess I call a sandwich and in walks this couple with, what appears to be, an unborn fetus.  This newborn, still soaked in birth juice, had an uncanny resemblance with the roast beef sandwich on my plate.  As you can imagine this is the last thing anyone wants to see before eating sliced red meat covered in BBQ sauce.  So my question is, is it socially appropriate to bring your newborn to any eatery?

Answer: Obviously not