Have You Ever Noticed That All Pizza Delivery Cars Are The Same?

Why are all pizza delivery cars so cliché?  I’ve never once been thrown a curveball with a normal American-made car.  No, it’s always been a Honda from the late 90’s tricked out to look like a car from the Fast And The Furious, but everyone knows they bought those spinning hubcaps from Wal-Mart and that huge spoiler is gonna break off once they reach 50 mph.  These are the same douchebags that you see racing up side streets and disrupting a quiet neighborhood with their annoying aftermarket mufflers.  So is it too much to ask for my pizza to be delivered by perhaps a Mercedes?  Because that would be quite refreshing.

Weird Word Of The Day: Fluid

When I think of the word “fluid” I imagine the oozing of a popped blister. There’s nothing like taking a needle and stabbing the bubble of puss on your foot that was created from playing pond hockey all day. It’s just pure satisfaction. On a side note, I bet there’s some creep out there who has a jar full of blister puss that he’s collected through the years. Hey, people have really weird fetishes.


By the way, searching for an image of blister fluid is a challenge I propose to you. I could only make it about 4 minutes.

Is It Appropriate To Bring Your Newborn Child To A Roast Beef Restaurant?

Last summer I was out shopping with my mom and I worked up quite an appetite trying on clothes at Marshall’s so we decide to get lunch at the local roast beef shop (Kelly’s).  I was getting ready to sink my teeth into the bloody mess I call a sandwich and in walks this couple with, what appears to be, an unborn fetus.  This newborn, still soaked in birth juice, had an uncanny resemblance with the roast beef sandwich on my plate.  As you can imagine this is the last thing anyone wants to see before eating sliced red meat covered in BBQ sauce.  So my question is, is it socially appropriate to bring your newborn to any eatery?

Answer: Obviously not

I Was Gonna Write A Blog But Then I Decided I Was Not Funny Today

I was in the middle of writing a blog and I literally just stopped and realized I don’t have one ounce of funny in me today.  I don’t know what it is, it may be something I ate, the amount of school work I’m putting off til the last minute, or maybe the fact that I’ve only been outside for a total of five minutes today (and I doubt that number will grow by sundown).  Whatever it is I hope it’s not permanent because I like to make people laugh and the only thing people will laugh at today is my lack of outside communication.  Maybe if I keep this up I will get my own late night show on TBS.  Hey, George Lopez did it.

Bets Are Now Open For Auburn's "Toomer's Tree Poisoning" Retaliation

I can't believe one redneck, who didn't even attend any of the schools, is about to start a civil war in Alabama between AU and UA.  So it seems like this tree is on life support right now and when Auburn eventually pulls the cord you will not see me anywhere near Denny Chimes, Walk of Champions, the quad and possibly Chick Fil-A.  These are absolute hot-spots for Auburn terrorists and I want to be far far away when they finally strike.  I was trying to think of what the masterminds of Auburn are brewing up for their diabolical plan but the only things I could think up would involve masses of manpower that Auburn is just not capable of generating.  So what do you think?  What should we expect to happen/where should I stay the hell away from?

Weird Word Of The Day: Towel

Towels are great.  They've always been great.  They dry you off when you don't want to be wet.  They also make awesome hats for women when they get out of the shower.  But with every good thing, there's a flaw.  New towels suuuuuck.  How many times do you have to wash and dry a new towel before it can actually dry your body?  The drying capability of a brand new towel is so scanty that you're better off using a roll of Bounty after every shower.  They don't call it the quicker-picker-upper for nothing.

Is Bethel Johnson The Biggest Joke To Stumble Upon Two Super Bowl Rings?

For everyone who has forgotten about the New England Patriot's second round draft pick (45th overall) in 2003, Bethel Johnson fell head first into two Super Bowl rings in his rookie and sophomore seasons.  Here's a timeline of his professional football career:


2003 - Drafted 45th overall by the New England Patriots.
2003 - Won Super Bowl XXXVVIII with the New England Patriots
2004 - Won Super Bowl XXXIX with the New England patriots
2006 - Traded to the New Orleans Saints
2006 - Cut from the Saints before the regular season began after injuring his knee in a preseason game
2006 - Signed by the Minnesota Vikings in October, released as a free agent at the end of the season
2007 - Signed a one year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Released in June after he failed a physical.
2007 - Signed with the Houston Texans in June.  Released in August and spent the season out of football.
2008 - Signed with the Toronto Argonauts in the CFL. Released in September due to lack of progress with only 16 catches and no touchdowns.
2008 to Present - Free Agent.


I've never witnessed someone's NFL career collapse so terribly after starting it off with two Super Bowl rings.  Too bad him and Chad Jackson never got to play together because I would have so much more material to blog about.

Forgot my username and password to the blog