CEO in Trouble

Most of you have probably heard there is a big ass tornado just being a dick and destroying all of the... whatever they have down there in Alabama. Murph is calling me crying and stuff and expects me to feel bad for him. A) i bet school is canceled and I just bombed a presentation so I have no sympathy, B) I have always wanted to be part of some survival scenario like stranded on a tropical island or in a friends basement during tornadoes, you can't pay for experience like that, and C) it's no tsunami. People over in Japan and the Philippines probably aren't even looking up from their Mahjong to hear the news. And to boot he has stopped posting. No power? It's called 3G bro.

PS- In all seriousness I hope he's okay because i called him and he didn't answer. Left him a message making light of the situation, which could go either way. Hopefully the tornado didn't strip him of his sense of humor and if it did I'm going to start posting friendship ads on Craig's List

Ference is Now a Bad Ass I Guess

So apparently Andrew Ference is the bad ass of the Boston Bruins now. Just giving the frenchies the finger and sending Alberts up to the Concessions to get a $13 basket of chicken fingers. Remember this is the guy who wears a Bauer 8000 helmet, (dustiest style in the league), because he is prone to concussions. But hey who am I to tell him its not his place. He's doing it all and more this series. Go B's Go!

Magic Shower

So I was having a few casuals with my roommates in light of my buddy Theo's birthday in our apartment last night. We just got done watching the B's and Habs game (I won't even), when people started to show up for a party that apparently we were involuntarily having. So like every guy does on a night he wants to go out i changed out of the mesh shorts and took a shower to get ready for the night. I got out of the shower and dressed and just like that all of the hot girls were not only in our apartment, but dancing on our coffee tables to "Hips Don't Lie" and what-not. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. It was like all the girls on campus that I had thought were hot but never found the energy or the wheels to talk to all of a sudden were filing in and giving me hugs and shit. I took an other shower just to see what would happen. Not really but I was so amazed that I took it for granted and before I knew it they were out the door. I guess its better to lose something than to never experience it at all.

Already Time To Pull Heggs?

Not even 12 hours on the team and he’s already taking personal days and jinxing the Bruins.  I know he’s a rookie but I bet Donald Trump didn’t take a personal week off after his first day on the job – it’s just business ethics 101.  Heggs is just lucky that I don’t give out strikes like Michael Scott does…

Well, The Habs Just Lost

The only thing that the Habs had going for them was that when someone sings 'Oh Canada' the crowd went crazy and they carried the momentum throughout the whole game. Instead they had the Provincial Band of Alberta come and play. Critical mistake by the Bell Centre

PS- This is the best they have? Canada you're girlfriend. WOOF!

Update: McQuaid obviously read my post and out of spite dragged his slow ass to the bench on purpose. Thanks bro

LVP: Least Valuable Player

With the end of the semester, comes group projects. I'll be honest, I usually like to pull my weight in these things because I like to gain the respect from my fellow colleagues, but in this one project I can't get myself up to speed. I mean it has gotten to the point where I'm getting vicious emails with stuff like "????" as the subject. Just killing my self esteem. If I hadn't befriended one of my group mates throughout the class I would have hands-down gotten kicked out of the group by now (which actually can happen at UMaine it's been done before).

I have become the very thing that I can't stand, the LVP of the group. The guy who ignores his emails and hopes the smart girl will do his part for him. It makes me sick just thinking about it. And I refuse to become that disgusting symbol for procrastination. So this will be my last post for a while. Take the reins Murph

Taylor Swift Busts Her Ass And Makes A Fool Of Herself On Stage

HA! Bitch.

Breaking News: Lady Gaga "Feels Like A Loser"

So apparently in his/her HBO documentary he/she starts crying and says that he/she has moments where he/she feels “like a loser.”  Umm, really Gaga?  You’re actually somewhat shocked that people think you’re weird and have no friends?  Didn’t you learn anything from high school?  The kids who dressed up like peacocks and came to school in giant eggshells were the ones getting atomic wedgies or even the wedgie-swirly combo.  Take a nice hard look at yourself in the mirror and then ask yourself why you feel like a loser - that might help clear things up a bit. 

My Pee Smells Like Golden Crisp After I Drink Coffee

This happens to everyone right?  I’ll be minding my own business at the urinal and suddenly get blindsided by the aura of Golden Crisp.  It’s as if someone opened up a brand new box and put it under my nose.  I could literally sit you down blindfolded and place a bowl of Golden Crisp and a bowl of my pee (after drinking a coffee of course) and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.  I don’t see how I can ever enjoy a bowl of Golden Crisp again without the image of a soupy urine filled toilet.

Wait... Who Stabbed Who?

So when I first read this I didn't even blink. But when i re-read the title I was completely caught off guard when I realized that Brandon Marshall's wife stabbed HIM and not the other way around. There are millions of reasons why I could see him doing the stabbing but in no way is there any reasoning behind what actually happened. I just wanna be like listen sweetheart, you're a sub five in a 9.5+ category. How you ended up with him has the head of the Massachusetts State Lottery questioning his work. You're the wife of an NFL stud and you think you can go stabbing people on a whim, this is the real world lady. So he has a few girlfriends on the road? What did you think road games were for anyways.

Another Year, Another Ham for Easter

First of all, who decided that the right representative for Easter dinner would be ham? Its possibly my least favorite holiday food. Sure ham is great when you get it sliced thin on a sub with pickles, onions, and hots from Dagastino’s. But when it’s a half an inch thick and cooked dry to the bone it’s just not for me. And when I have nothing but a flimsy plastic knife and I've already said "Hi, how are you? How's everything? Yah? That's great to hear!" to 10 people I really don’t know the only way I can get myself through it is to soak it in honey mustard or even ranch if I’m desperate. All I'm saying is there's no way there can be a religious connection to ham so why do I have to suffer through it?

PS- why is it always hotter than Saudi Arabia in church on Easter Sunday? Is it to smoke out the kind-of-believers... because if it is then it almost worked this year

Meet The New Member Of The Joe Sent Me Team: Heggs

I wasn’t looking for a new blogger but then I read this kid’s résumé:

Education

University of Maine

            Bachelor of Arts in Business Management

Activities/interests

            Hockey, lifting heavy things, protein shakes, judging women.

Work Experience

            iSecurity at Boylston Street Apple store

           

Holy Shit! I would be an idiot not to offer Heggs an entry-level contract for the Joe Sent Me team.  Bright future ahead, people, bright future.  

Have You Ever Noticed That All Pizza Delivery Cars Are The Same?

Why are all pizza delivery cars so cliché?  I’ve never once been thrown a curveball with a normal American-made car.  No, it’s always been a Honda from the late 90’s tricked out to look like a car from the Fast And The Furious, but everyone knows they bought those spinning hubcaps from Wal-Mart and that huge spoiler is gonna break off once they reach 50 mph.  These are the same douchebags that you see racing up side streets and disrupting a quiet neighborhood with their annoying aftermarket mufflers.  So is it too much to ask for my pizza to be delivered by perhaps a Mercedes?  Because that would be quite refreshing.

Weird Word Of The Day: Fluid

When I think of the word “fluid” I imagine the oozing of a popped blister. There’s nothing like taking a needle and stabbing the bubble of puss on your foot that was created from playing pond hockey all day. It’s just pure satisfaction. On a side note, I bet there’s some creep out there who has a jar full of blister puss that he’s collected through the years. Hey, people have really weird fetishes.


By the way, searching for an image of blister fluid is a challenge I propose to you. I could only make it about 4 minutes.

Is It Appropriate To Bring Your Newborn Child To A Roast Beef Restaurant?

Last summer I was out shopping with my mom and I worked up quite an appetite trying on clothes at Marshall’s so we decide to get lunch at the local roast beef shop (Kelly’s).  I was getting ready to sink my teeth into the bloody mess I call a sandwich and in walks this couple with, what appears to be, an unborn fetus.  This newborn, still soaked in birth juice, had an uncanny resemblance with the roast beef sandwich on my plate.  As you can imagine this is the last thing anyone wants to see before eating sliced red meat covered in BBQ sauce.  So my question is, is it socially appropriate to bring your newborn to any eatery?

Answer: Obviously not